Maharishi Fattifatbastard’s Guide to Zen     

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• The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre.
• The darkest hours come just before the dawn.
• So if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk and newspaper, that's the time to do it.
• Sex is like air.
• It only becomes really important when you aren't getting any.
• Don't aspire to become irreplaceable.
• If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
• Remember, no-one is listening until you fart.
• Never forget that like everyone else, you are unique.
• Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
• If you think nobody cares whether you're dead or alive, try missing a couple of mortgage payments
• Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
• That way, when you judge them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
• If at first you don't succeed, avoid skydiving.
• Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
• Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
• Have you ever lent someone £20 and never seen that person again? It was probably worth it.
• If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
• Some days we are the flies; some days we are the windscreen.
• Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
• Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
• The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
• A closed mouth gathers no feet.
• There are two theories about how to win an argument with a woman. Neither one works.
• Generally speaking, you aren't learning much if your lips are moving.
• Never miss a good chance to shut up.
• Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
• When we are born we are naked, wet, hungry, and we get smacked on our arse. From there on in, life gets worse
• The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed.
• Remember not to forget that which you do not need to know.